the Coda Counselor

Why Dinner Table Syndrome Is Trauma

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by

Joy Plote
in ,

What People and Professionals Need to Know

Joy Plote, LPC, CCTS I&F, CI/CT

Dinner Table Syndrome (DTS) describes the experience of being physically present but excluded from family communication because others do not use accessible language (e.g., ASL). Deaf children and Deaf adults often sit at a table where conversations happen around them — not with them.

This experience is not “inconvenient.”
It is chronically traumatic.

Below is why.

1. DTS is a Form of Chronic Social Exclusion

Trauma research shows that ongoing relational exclusion activates the same neural pathways as physical pain.
For Deaf children, exclusion happens:

  • daily at dinner
  • during car rides
  • at family gatherings
  • during holidays
  • in medical conversations
  • in discipline or safety instructions

When a child’s family does not use their language, the child is taught—repeatedly—that their presence does not matter.

This is relational trauma, not a misunderstanding.

2. DTS Disrupts Attachment and Emotional Security

Secure attachment requires attunement, shared communication, and emotional reciprocity.

Without accessible communication:

  • parents cannot attune
  • children cannot express needs
  • emotional repair is delayed or absent
  • connection is replaced by guessing and vigilance

This creates attachment patterns often misdiagnosed as:

  • “behavior problems”
  • “oppositional”
  • “ADHD”
  • “social delays”
  • “autism-like symptoms”

When the problem is actually language deprivation + relational disconnect.

3. DTS Causes Language Deprivation — a Known Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)

When Deaf children cannot access full language during early brain development:

  • neural pathways for language weaken
  • executive functioning is impaired
  • emotional regulation is harder
  • identity development is disrupted

Language deprivation is not an “unfortunate gap”—
It is developmental trauma with lifelong impact.

4. DTS Creates Chronic Hypervigilance and Anxiety

At the table, Deaf children learn to:

  • scan faces for clues
  • pretend to understand
  • laugh when others laugh
  • mask confusion
  • hide needs to avoid embarrassment

This is a constant fight/flight response.
Over time, it becomes a core part of their nervous system.

Adults may recognize this as:

  • perfectionism
  • shutdown
  • chronic self-doubt
  • withdrawal from hearing spaces
  • fear of “looking stupid”

These are trauma responses—not personality traits.

5. DTS Teaches Deaf Children That Their Identity Is a Problem

Many children internalize:

  • “My family doesn’t want to sign.”
  • “I am too much work.”
  • “My needs are a burden.”
  • “I am not worth communicating with.”

This becomes an internalized form of audism and self-erasure.
It can lead to:

  • depression
  • shame
  • self-silencing
  • identity confusion
  • difficulty trusting hearing people
  • lifelong relational wounds

Identity wounds are trauma wounds.

6. DTS Creates Intergenerational Trauma

Deaf adults who grew up with DTS often express:

  • grief
  • anger
  • confusion
  • emotional distance from hearing family
  • trauma around holidays
  • difficulty discussing their childhood
  • avoidance of family gatherings

Codas (hearing children of Deaf adults) often carry secondary trauma from witnessing their parents’ exclusion.

DTS shapes family systems for generations.

7. DTS Is Preventable — and That’s Why It’s Traumatic

Trauma is worsened when the harm:

  • was avoidable
  • was caused by people responsible for care
  • was unacknowledged
  • continues for years
  • happened during critical development windows

DTS meets all criteria.

The good news:
DTS is completely preventable with early ASL access and family commitment.

What Hearing Professionals Can Do

1. Validate the Experience

Acknowledge DTS as real and harmful—not an exaggeration.

2. Promote Early ASL Exposure

Language access is not optional. It is a human right.

3. Educate Families Immediately

Parents must understand the relational consequences—not just academic impacts.

4. Model a Non-Judgmental Stance

Shame shuts parents down. Education lifts them up.

5. Encourage Whole-Family Signing

Even imperfect signing is better than exclusion.

6. Collaborate With Deaf Professionals

Deaf adults bring lived expertise that hearing providers cannot replace.

The Core Message

Dinner Table Syndrome is not “a Deaf problem.”
It is a language access problem that creates relational trauma, identity wounds, and lifelong psychological consequences.

Healing begins when families and professionals choose connection over convenience.

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