Persistent Demand for Autonomy: The Other Side of Demand Avoidance

When discussing Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) or general demand avoidance, the focus is often on resistance to demands. However, the other side of this equation—the persistent demand for autonomy—is just as important to understand.

For individuals with PDA, autonomy isn’t just preferred—it is essential for emotional regulation and nervous system stability. This extreme need for control can be just as impactful as demand avoidance itself. However, persistent demand for autonomy can also exist outside of PDA, showing up in various neurodivergent profiles, particularly among autistic and ADHD individuals.

What is Persistent Demand for Autonomy?

Persistent demand for autonomy refers to a strong and ongoing need to control one’s environment, decisions, and interactions. While autonomy is a core human need, for some neurodivergent individuals, it can become a driving force that overrides other considerations, leading to significant difficulties in relationships, education, work, and daily life.

Signs of Persistent Demand for Autonomy

Resistance to authority and imposed rules – Struggles with external expectations, even in low-stakes situations.
Preference for self-directed learning and work – Thrives in environments with minimal structure and external control.
Emotional distress when autonomy is restricted – Becomes anxious, irritable, or overwhelmed when decisions are made for them.
Intense need to dictate personal schedules and routines – Prefers to set their own pace, often resisting external scheduling.
Struggles with collaboration if it threatens independence – May avoid group projects or shared responsibilities.
Desire for control in relationships – Prefers to determine how and when interactions occur, often resisting spontaneous plans initiated by others.
Difficulty with traditional employment or school settings – Finds hierarchical structures and imposed schedules deeply frustrating or even intolerable.

Persistent Demand for Autonomy in PDA

For individuals with PDA, this demand for autonomy is not just a personality trait—it is deeply rooted in their nervous system response. Any demand, even one they place on themselves, can feel like a loss of control. This leads to an internal paradox:

They want to do the thing, but the fact that it is a demand triggers resistance.

In PDA, autonomy is non-negotiable. The moment an individual feels their autonomy is compromised, their nervous system reacts as if it is under threat, triggering a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.

Examples of Persistent Demand for Autonomy in PDA:
A child insisting on being a “co-teacher” or “co-parent” rather than following adult instructions.
A person refusing to complete tasks unless they are entirely self-initiated.
A strong preference for indirect communication (e.g., role-play, humor, or storytelling) as a way to avoid direct instruction.
A meltdown or shutdown in response to feeling controlled, even in seemingly minor situations (e.g., being asked to put on shoes).
Refusal to follow traditional learning structures—thriving only in low-demand, self-directed environments.

For PDAers, the need for autonomy is so pervasive that any structure imposed from the outside feels threatening, no matter how well-intended or necessary.

Persistent Demand for Autonomy in Non-PDA Neurodivergence

While persistent demand for autonomy is a defining feature of PDA, it is not exclusive to PDA. Many autistic and ADHD individuals experience a strong drive for autonomy, but the way it presents can be different.

Autistic individuals often prefer autonomy due to a need for predictability and control over sensory input. Their desire for independence is frequently linked to sensory sensitivities, special interests, or routine disruption rather than a fight-flight nervous system response.
ADHDers often seek autonomy because external structures and rigid schedules do not align with their dopamine-driven motivation system. They may struggle with imposed timelines and authority but can be flexible if interest and dopamine are present.
Gifted individuals or those with high intellectual autonomy often resist external direction because they see inefficiencies in traditional learning or work structures.

Key Differences:

PDA: Autonomy is a survival-level need. Losing autonomy triggers an extreme nervous system response.
Autism: Autonomy is needed for routine, predictability, and sensory control but doesn’t necessarily trigger a fight-flight response.
ADHD: Autonomy is preferred because it aligns with dopamine-driven motivation but can be flexible in the right conditions.

Balancing Autonomy with External Demands

For those who experience persistent demand for autonomy, navigating a world filled with expectations can be overwhelming. Here are strategies that may help:

Reframing Tasks as Self-Initiated – Instead of thinking “I have to do this,” shift to “I am choosing to do this.”
Negotiating Flexibility – Find ways to compromise without feeling like autonomy is being taken away (e.g., “I’ll do this now, but in my own way”).
Creating Low-Demand Environments – If persistent autonomy struggles impact daily life, consider low-demand parenting, education, or work settings.
Using Indirect Communication – For PDAers, offering choices, humor, or role-play can be more effective than direct requests.
Setting Autonomy-Respecting Boundaries – Express the need for autonomy to others while also learning to flexibly navigate external structures.

For caregivers, teachers, and therapists, understanding persistent demand for autonomy is key to supporting neurodivergent individuals—especially PDAers, who experience autonomy as a non-negotiable component of their well-being.

Conclusion

Persistent demand for autonomy is just as important to understand as demand avoidance.
For PDAers, autonomy is a survival-level need, and losing it triggers an extreme nervous system response.
Autistic, ADHD, and other neurodivergent individuals also experience strong autonomy needs, but for different reasons.
Balancing autonomy with external demands requires reframing tasks, negotiating flexibility, and using low-demand strategies.

If you relate to persistent demand for autonomy—whether in yourself, your child, or a client—you are not alone. Recognizing this trait is the first step toward finding strategies that respect autonomy while allowing for growth and connection.

Would love to hear from you! Do you experience a strong demand for autonomy? How do you navigate it? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

Persistent Demand for Autonomy: The Other Side of Demand Avoidance